The first post of 2010

December 31, 2009

In the lead up to today, there’s been a lot of long talks with friends and thinking and plenty of panicky moments early in the morning in bed when I realize that change is happening and I have to make the decision to go with it. Because without change, we cannot grow and lessons are never learned without some level of pain or discomfort. Anyway, the long and short of it is I am ready to move from the shadow that was 2009 and grow. It has been a hard year, difficult decisions have been made, I have been in a funk. But I have not lost hope or optimisim, my belief in the universe and my enthusiasm for just everything in general.

So this year, here’s what I want to do:

First of all, I want to be able to take care of myself. I have learned ( a pretty hard way) that no one else will take care of me or protect me if I don’t do it myself. It is not about being bitter or cold. The very base of being able to form secure attachments is knowing that your needs will always be met. And if I can meet my own needs, maybe I can break out of the old, screwed up attachment patterns.

Secondly, I want to find myself. Honestly, I still don’t know who I am or what I’m after. I mean, I have an inkling, I know that I’m a hippie dippy tree hugger kind of person who wants to change the world by working with underprivileged children. But apart from that, I’m drawing a lot of blanks. And I think this is why I keep writing myself off – because I feel that I don’t have much to offer to others. Its something Jonno and I discussed, to fix yourself and your life, so that when you finally do have the people you want in your life, you will have something wonderful to share with them.

Then there’s getting round to doing things I want to do. Get round to playing touch rugby, go climbing, saxaphone classes, getting my ass back on a bike agian, doing story time at the library, my literacy program. I keep putting things I want to do off for some reason – personal committments, a hectic work schedule. Its catching up with me, I had a great job but I wasn’t happy because a huge part of my life was still being pushed back.

Finally, I want to stay on track in my search for my beliefs about the universe and the world. My unorthodoxy has gone from being a way of rebelling against my upbringing to actually being something that shapes my life and affects the decisions I make. This journey is by no means even started, I’m still very bad about practicing what I know of the universe like positive energy and all. I still cannot fully articulate what it is I believe in although I know its there. But whatever this thing is that has me believing in connecting with nature and treating the world right, I like it and I want to continue my search with, as the UU says, freedom and responsibility.

In the middle of all of this, I want to remember never to lose hope and allow complete cynicism to take over, even on days when I feel cynicism does a better job of protecting me. To not allow the bad to overshadow what is good about this world, even when I am caught up in making fun about what is bad about this world.

What’s your thing for this year? I’d love to hear about whatever journey you intend to undertake during this year. Universe willing, we will all get a part of what we hope for.

Posted in Randomness | Tags: Random Ramblings